Confession

Every time I write a blog post on my good body self image the mean girl in my head surfaces and takes that good body image I was just bragging about away. Back in August when I wrote https://ichoosehappyblog.com/2014/08/20/eleven-year-old-pants/ about how I was proud to finally fit into 11 year old pants. Pants that fit me when the scale said I was 20lbs lighter than I am now. I spent the next week noticing every piece of flab on my body and my self esteem plummeted.
This week I wrote:

Luckily for me- I was in a really good place with my body image before the whole scale incident. I was able to give myself a good shake and move on. I rocked out some wickid bicep curls and held a perfectly straight plank on gliders and reminded myself that its about being in great shape, being happy and not about some stupid numbers that don’t really mean anything.

(from https://ichoosehappyblog.com/2014/09/29/i-did-the-stupidest-thing-ever-again/)
Well… the exact moment I wrote that, I did feel that way BUT as soon as I pressed the “publish” button my body image went to a bad place. The picture I proudly shared of myself looked different all of a sudden.
The main feeling I felt was guilt. I feel guilty because I’m not totally happy about how my body looks. I feel guilty because I want more. I feel guilty admitting my unhappiness to someone who is struggling with their weight and would kill for my size 6. I feel guilty because I think I should feel satisfied with what I’ve accomplished this year. I am a forty year old woman who has basically looked like this for my entire 30’s:

Me- Christmas 2013 (10 months ago)

I should be happy! I should be ecstatic!

But I’m not. And I feel guilty about it. (And that picture looks remarkably better when you put it beside that other one! Lol!)

But I shouldn’t feel guilty. It’s okay to want more.
Even though I’m forty.
Even though I’m a size 6.
Even though I can kick ass at the gym.
I want more.
I know I can do more. I know I can lose more body fat, add more definition to my muscles. I know there is room to still improve. It’s not about trying to achieve “perfection” but I know that I can be better. Better than I am right now.
I am happy right now. I’m not consumed with trying to lose more weight but I’m focused on eating right and pushing my body at the gym. I’m not going to apologize for wanting more. In 2008, Usain Bolt ran a world record 100 meter time of 9.72 seconds. Wow! Crazy fast! He should be happy. I’m sure he was but he wasn’t done. Later 2008, he ran it in 9.69 then in 2009 he bettered his time to 9.58!
Not that I can compare myself to Usain Bolt but I like the idea of getting better even you think you’ve already done your best.
I want more! I want to get in even better shape… and I’m going to stop feeling guilty about it 🙂 I’m going to rock my inner Usain Bolt and go and get more!

To do this I need to keep feeding my body great food. I tried this recipe for Lentil Tacos earlier this summer. I dared my kids to try them and to their surprise they loved them! Last week, I was the guest “chef” at our local youth centre’s teen cooking class-http://www.o-ya.ca/cooking-101.html It’s a great program, where local teens get together and learn to cook a dish then share the meal together. I hosted a cooking session last spring and I taught the teens a very popular meal of homemade pizza and cinnamon rolls. This time, I decided to take a risk, and teach the kids “clean eating” versions of their favourite Mexican foods. We made clean beef tacos, homemade tortillas, a Mexican black bean brownie and Lentil Tacos. The recipes for the other dishes can be found on this blog at https://ichoosehappyblog.com/2014/08/11/smile-and-say-ole/. The Mexican brownie’s recipe was based on the brownie recipe here:https://ichoosehappyblog.com/2014/08/20/eleven-year-old-pants/ but I added 1tsp of cinnamon and 1/4tsp of cayenne pepper to make it Mexican!
The Lentil Taco recipe can be found at http://www.lentils.ca/recipes/lentil-tacos Here are a few pics of the food made by the great kids at The Osgoode Youth Association.