Depression / Happiness

Choosing Happy Isn’t Always Easy

My blog is called I Choose Happy.  I try to do that everyday.  These last few years I’ve been making a conscious choice to be happy.  During this time- I’ve been sad, angry, scared…. but I’ve smiled everyday.  But this last year- choosing happy seemed impossible almost everyday.  Smiling became difficult and exhausting.

Have you ever walked into a plate glass window?  You know, you are out shopping and you walk into a glass wall or door.  SMACK!!!  What do you do?  Everyone in the store turns and gasps and stares at you.  You feel pain but you also feel embarrassed.  Someone asks, “Are you okay?!!!”  Do you say what I always say?  I always say, “I’m fine”.  Even when I’m not.

This year, I have been walking into plate glass doors.  Stressful new job- I’m fine.  Huge friend breakup- I’m fine.  My mom is ill- I’m fine.  Home renovations- I’m fine.  My mom dies- I’m fine.

I’m fine.  I write a HAPPY Blog, of course I’m fine.  I bounced through the halls of my school with a smile on my face.  I laughed with my friends on dog walks.  I created a fun and happy Christmas for my family.  I smiled.  I laughed.  I cooked.  I worked out.  I walked my dog.  I drove my son to basketball.  I read my daughter books.  I was getting so tired though- but I kept smiling.

Then I started sleeping more.  I would have to set an alarm after my daughter left for school so I would get out of bed in time to go to work. (I would nap after making her breakfast).  I started crying all the way to work.  I would cry all the way home from work. I started avoiding my friends because I just felt like I was a big black hole of sadness when I was around them.  I had trouble making decisions.  I felt overwhelmed.  I felt so tired.  I felt hopeless.

I ate chips.  I ate chocolate.  I drank wine.  I could feel the spike of happiness in my chest.  It didn’t last long though.  I gained weight. I felt worse.

Finally, the right person said something to me.  My husband said the simple words- I think you need to make a doctor’s appointment.  I did.  Making that call- was my first step to choosing happy.

I have DEPRESSION.  Admitting that I am depressed was hard but accepting the reality was a choice.  I’m choosing happy again.

I am taking medication & talking with a therapist.  I joined Weight Watchers to help me with my weight gain.  I am working out again- at my gym (I love spin class!) and walking my dog.  I’m taking care of myself 🙂

I don’t feel hopeless anymore.  I’m trying not to feel embarrassed about my weight gain.  I’m trying to put my husband and my kids first. And I’m trying to put me first too.

I hope if you are feeling like me, that you take a tiny step towards happy by telling someone how you feel. I’m glad I have so many people helping me choose happy. 

  
This was the day I felt the worst. I’m not sure why I took a photo but I’m glad I did. 
  
This is me on my birthday- celebrating surviving a tough year/ celebrating a great year to come!

No recipe today. I’ll share one on the next post- I promise. That means I will write another post- yay 😀! 

Choose happy 🙂

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9 thoughts on “Choosing Happy Isn’t Always Easy

  1. My name is Mary and I suffer from depression. Thanks for sharing Tracey. It must have been hard. I’ve been on meds since Whitaker turned 6 and I lost it when he peed his pants again. I ended up in the garage smacking my head against a wall. I knew I needed a doctor too.
    People often ask me if I think God only gives you what you can handle. I always say “Sure. As long as he helped create anti-depressants”.
    Hang in there gorgeous and know that I’d go for a silent walk with you if you want company but aren’t choosing happy that day.

    Hugs
    Mary

    Like

  2. Oh Tracey these words are so raw and real. You have summarized exactly how so many of us feel. Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting this out there. Sharing your story will help, encourage and inspire others. xo

    Like

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